ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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