My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
