This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
