seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Someone shattered a urinal.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
