His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Randomize
