If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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