Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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