Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I need a beard to bite.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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