He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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