now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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