this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
love makes seman taste better
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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