I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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