I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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