proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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