I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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