I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
