I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
