Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
