I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
