she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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