The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
