I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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