I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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