im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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