You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
