My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
