I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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