yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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