been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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