Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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