I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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