Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
