I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
