You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
