I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
