Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
