I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we're making bets on your personal life
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
