someone get that fucking seahorse.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Randomize
