ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
