The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
