Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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