He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
