Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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