This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
