Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
