That's when you crack a 10am beer
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
