the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
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