It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
