My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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