is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
