WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
FUCK WHALES
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
