Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
