Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
